getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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