I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
