He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
