They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
my nose is crying tears of wow.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
