I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Randomize
