question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
