i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Randomize
