You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
