Whatcha textin bout Willis?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
