I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
