Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
