Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Operation Purity has been aborted
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
