those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
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