Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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