I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
