I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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