Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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