Cold hands, warm shart.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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