I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
We named our party play list daddy issues
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
