Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize