I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
