I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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