I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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