Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Randomize
