So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
