just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
