Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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