sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
There's always time for handjobs
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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