i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
