Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
