capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
