He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
operation have a gay friend backfired
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
