I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
porn star boner night. come get it.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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