John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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