ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
