She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
