He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
