I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
