An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
