I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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