You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
