My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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