its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
