I could have mohawked her pubes.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
