you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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