If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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