genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize