Someone shit on the floor
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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