You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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