I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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