A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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