i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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