It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
