There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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