I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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