I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
