I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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