I wish I could punch you in the face.
accomplished twins. life is a go
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
