I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
