Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize